Shaming the Fat
June 17th, 2018

I think this will be my most personal blog to date. Only because I'm dealing with a topic that I have struggled with all my life.  I have always been a healthy girl as a child I remember being a 6X and then women sizes. I wasn't a fat kid but I wasn't as small as kids my age. That grew into a voluptuous teenager. I remember being picked at in school by a boy I liked for not having breast (mosquito bites is what they called me) that lead to over the summer I developed and my breast where bigger than most the girls. I became aware by overhearing boys talk about them. Looking back now I was shapely and there was nothing wrong.
 As I matured, I also remember when I became conscienouse about my weight. I was shopping with a friend and she was obviously smaller than I.  She was mentioning her size which was a size 8. I was a 13/14 and in that instance, I was ashamed that I was bigger. My then boyfriend told me that this same friend told him I was fat. Again, I was shame because I didn't see myself as fat. 
My first year in college I gained weight and then the worst thing I think I have ever done to aid in my weight struggle was taking the Depo shot. This was a birth control method and the first time I had been on birth control. In the nine months that I had this I gained 30 pounds. I have never since age 19 completely lost that weight. In fact my highest weight is at the point where I am at now. I was my current weight during both my pregnancies.  Which is almost 75lbs over my average rate. 
One of the best things I do is take pictures. I love me right? I have mastered the poise. As shameful as this weight may look to me. I still know that I am a beautiful woman. So why did I photoshop my photos from my trip last weekend? I didn't like what I saw? Absolutely! It was the reminder of what I have struggled with in my life. How much does it really affect me? Enough to erase it temporarily but not permanently. 

 
Before

Before Edits

After Edits

I'm ashamed of the fat. As active and athletic as I am.  I am still FAT! It has been my struggle and the most shameful part is that I'm not strong enough to completely change it on my own. I have thought about surgery however, its against everything I believe of myself. I believe that I am strong enough to defeat my weight issues. We all have things we do not like about ourselves. If I can just change this or if I had this! Its quite normal given what we see in this day and time. Im very active in my life however, stress has been a factor and not controlling my emotions. Which usually takes form as eating when Im depressed, happy or bored. I will continue on my journey evolving and as I do I believe that at some point I will master a healthy weight for myself.
The Journey doesn't end here. Instead of being shameful of the fat. I'm SHAMING the FAT! 



A Life of Activity
Surfs Up



Active Weight Loss
December 23, 2018
The steps I have went through to accomplish only half my weight loss goals has been an experience to say the least. In September I looked at myself and decided no more wearing clothes to hide the weight and no more taking pictures that look good but then wondering if I look big. Here's a glimpse of the last 4 months.
On Juy 27th, 2018 I rushed to the hospital due to high blood pressure. I knew what I needed to do immediately which was to come off the weigth. An this was my turning point
 
The first thing I did after this turn of events was I hired a personal trainer paid in full up front. 30 days 30 pounds with diet and nutrition and excercise. Well 2-3 weeks into our training sessions I dealt with him calling out once sometimes twice in our 3 weeks of training. If I can recall we worked out maybe 3 times. Epic fail for me however, I did not let that deter me. I asked for my money back that I'm still waiting on to this day. I hope he was deeply enriched. However, I didn;t sit down and weight I immediatley went to a weightloss clinic I had seen in passing. Carolina Weight Loss Center. Im so thankful that I was determined. I completed a 40 day program retraining my mind and body to eat better. I was successful in losing 25lbs! I am on a 4 week break and trying to maintain good healthy eating habits. 

 

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